I am dreading the coming holidays! I miss my Lolo Fred. He died last September 29. I'm not entirely sure I am over grieving. I know it's been almost two months now, but every time I remember, my heart aches all over again.

I have spent almost every Christmas and New Year of my life with my grandparents. Well, except for one New Year that I spent at Los Angeles, and two Christamses and New Years we spent here in Davao. I've always remembered my Lolo Fred being there.

I have three sets of grandparents. My father was adopted by his aunt. I have, so far, buried three grandfathers. Each time it's painful. But I am closest to my Lolo Fred. Now Christmas is coming, I almost hate it.

When I was making my Christams list, I put Lolo Fred's name without thinking. Then, as expected from my fragile heart, I cried. I sometimes feel it's unfair that other people still have their Lolo's and I don't. I get so jealous of all those little girls walking gaily, holding their Lolo's hands. I miss that. I know I'm already 21, but I still love to cuddle at my Lolo's feet and just talk to him. I had visions of having Lolo Fred at my wedding, I even wanted him to give his blessings first to my yet-to-arrive-love-of-my-life. Now, their just dreams shattered.

I know God willed for Lolo to die. It just simply is his time. And I know my Lolo is happiest now in the fellowship of God. At least in heaven, he doesn't have to deal with his gout, or irregular heart beats. He won't need the oxygen tank anymore, no need to measure blood pressure, no more medications. But I want to be selfish, I want my Lolo to embrace me again. I want him to call me and ask me when I will visit him in Manila. I want him to ask me to cook for him, or to massage him, or just simply to talk to him.

Goodbyes always hurt, especially when there's no promise for the next hello.

I miss my lolo.


These were taken December 31, 2001. It was before my lolo got sick. In the first photo, we have my mom (with the short hair) beside my Lola Sylvia. Then there's Lolo Fred, Tita Susan, and part of Tita Lou. There's my cousin Timothy, me, my very beautiful cousin Amanda (not Moore daw), and my younger brother Lance in middle.

In the second photo, you can see my cousin Joshua, who was hidden behind Timothy in the first picture. You can also see all of Tita Lou this time. Amanda is still pretty even with her face distorted. Hehehe...

Come to think of it, maybe it won't be a bleak Holiday. It's just going to be different. It's still the Big-Crazy-Family-minus-one.